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Thursday, April 24th, 2003
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8:27 pm
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I just wanted repeat that I've moved to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) fireflycity. Thank you.
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| Saturday, April 19th, 2003
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4:30 pm
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Okay. 3 things or so..
1 - fireflycity is my new livejournal. I won't be using this one any more, for many personal reasons. I started adding people to my friends' list, but I got lazy and haven't added everyone yet. If you're not there, you'll be added later ^^;; I'm just lazy.
2 - dailymuse does not belong to me. I gave the livejournal to a friend who liked the muse theme...*looks at the deleted account* I'm not sure what she's doing with it though ^^;;;
3 - I never want to have to change livejournals again *sighs* Because of all this trouble, my aim name will be only accesible if you're on my buddies' list.
*yawns*
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
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3:17 pm
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Well I'm feeling better. And came to a decision.
For personal reasons, I'm going to stop using this livejournal. I'm not sure if I will get another one or not. I will let you know.
current mood:  anxious
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| Saturday, March 15th, 2003
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12:26 pm - *breathes in and out*
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I checked our answering machine a few minutes ago.
I found at least half a dozen messages from my counsellor and the lady from MATC that is trying to diagnos what is wrong with me.
Every time there was a message, I told her. She hasn't been checking them or phoning back.
DAMNDAMNDAMN
I couldn't get out of bed two days in a row this week because I was too upset and sick. And she hasn't been phoning them back so we can find out how to help me. I wish I was 18 so I wouldn't hae to go through her. I hate depending on anyone, even my mother. She gets upset when I don't go to her for help but what does she expect? She didn't do a damn thing when I had a breakdown at 14, so why should this be any different?
*breathes in and out* I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
But it's fine. I'll be fine. I have to be.
Finefinefinefine.
current mood:  stressed
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10:41 am - Wow. I'm pissed.
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Warning: Rant and possible swearing. Depends on how it strikes me.
( Read more... )
current mood: stressed
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| Thursday, March 13th, 2003
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4:23 pm - submerge;;;;;
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I exist. It happens sometimes. Those are the nicest moments.
I'm feel much better than I have the past few weeks. Next week is going to be hell (Ani, Blue, next week is the Spring Equinox. If I'm having trouble now, imagine what it'll be like then x_x Maybe I'll lock myself in my room.)
I want to redo my livejournal again, and I have the strange urge to delete all my old entries. I go through that every few months.
I think a lot about the things I don't write in my livejournal. Mostly because I'm sure no one is interested in my random babble. I think a lot about the written but not sent letters on my dresser because I'm not sure if I really want to send them to my friends on livejournal. They talk about a million things and nothing and I'm not sure if they're interested in that. I think a lot about photos and beauty and school and writing.
And I really do think about you a lot. You don't know it, but I do.
Everyone at some point wants a rebirth, but frankly, you can't go back. All it is is a continuation. There's no way to wipe the slate clean. You just have to keep going and hope you do better.
I keep hoping that I'll do better one day. I keep trying.
current mood: anxious
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| Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
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7:44 pm - I wonder
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Have you ever noticed how society is more accepting of female/female relationships, but in anime and manga it's a billion times more common to see a male/male relationship?
current mood:  curious
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| Friday, March 7th, 2003
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5:50 pm
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Ugh. What a long week.
I've always been a kind of loner. I can be very much a pack creature, but when I'm stressed out, frustrated, or in pain, I much prefer to be by myself. I isolate myself for a while until I'm feeling better and have the strength to deal with people.
Unfortunately, this causes some friction between my friends and I. I can become very distant and formal.
I tihnk that's part of the reason Jess and I get along. She tends to drift of when she's upset. And while at first, I thought I'd feel better if she could come to me, I realise now that I understand her need to just be nonexistent for awhile. Without the need to explain anything, without the need to worry. To just be by myself and not exist for awhile.
current mood:  blank
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
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6:28 pm
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After going through my friends list and hopefully filling out every single one (if I missed you, leave a note and I'll fill it out), I think I'm entitled.
I ____ Kari.
Kari is _____.
If I were alone in a room with Kari, I would _____
Kari needs _____.
I want to _____ Kari.
current mood:  amused
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| Saturday, March 1st, 2003
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9:33 am
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You are Kimberly.
You are loving, generous, and a delightful friend.
You adore your family and would do anything for them.
Which Kinmokusei YnS Member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Meghann.
Sometimes you can be a bit reclusive, but it's usually for your own sanity!
You're loving, generous, and a frighteningly astute problem-solver.
Which Outer YnS Member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood: awake
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| Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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8:09 pm
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I need a really good lesbian book to curl up with....
current mood:  depressed
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8:02 pm
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We're moving.....again.....in July.
I knew this was coming but when my mom told me she was apartment shopping today it suddenly hit me. Then she told me it would probably be a good idea to go through my things, get rid of somethings, and pack others up.
We've only been here since July, and since we were gone most of the summer, more like only since September.
I'm 16. I can easily name 12 different places I've lived.
I'm just so tired of this....*sighs*
current mood: depressed
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| Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
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6:43 pm
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Dear Lord....
I think I'm going to cry....Or die laughing...
current mood: amused
current music: Breeze ~ Megumi Hayashibara
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| Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
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11:16 am
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So. I'm alive.
And home sick. Again. I actually made an attempt to go to school yesterday. After being force fed a glass of orange juice (I HATE ORANGE JUICE WITH A FIERY PASSION), I was rethinking my decision to face the school and the girl of steel that is my girlfriend. I was effectively lectured until I was seriously considering going home. Once the pain set in, all my defences collapsed and she used that advantage to ruthlessly brush aside all my feeble arguments until I gave in and went home. Last night, she reinstated her tiranny by putting me in my place over the phone, almost-but-not-quite forbidding me from going to school. Rather than face a battle like that again, this soldier has learned her lesson and has decided not to argue with her girlfriend when she is in less than perfect health. It's amazing to think I actually may make it out of this with some freewill left.
As you can tell, I'm in a rather interesting mood.
In other news, japaneselily.com has an actual functional layout. It's lacking in content but one thing at a time.
Hope everyone has been well.
Recently, I've been thinking alot abotu my capricious nature. and how annoying it must be for the people around me. I hope, if nothing else, I make life interesting.
current mood:  sick
current music: Eyes like yours ~ Shakira
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| Monday, December 30th, 2002
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9:02 am
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She touches her palm to the soil. She can feel great sobs, choking and echoing in the earth. Is she the only one that can hear it? The earth, the garden, the vines encirlcing her wrists. Something's trapped in the garden. But no one but the mistress ventures out there.
There are stories of a glass temple, of another gate, of a vault of knowledge that no one dares open. But no one can get past the poind. You exit, and walk down the path. There is a smaller, first garden. The managed, manicured type you'd find behind an ordinary house (though to call her home a house is deceiving; a mansion, a castle, anything but a house). At the end of the path is a pond. The surface reflects you, all your demons, all your angels, all your hierarchy.
But know this, you cannot pass the mirror (pond) until you can first face the reflection. Only then will you find the true garden. And all the secrets that lay within.
current mood: sick
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| Saturday, December 28th, 2002
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11:40 pm
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the edge
it moves
one part leads to the house
her house
rather anticlimatic
behind the house
lives a garden
that isn't really there
because she created it in her mind
it's all in her mind
hiding in the garden
is a structure made of glass
and bits of shattered mirror
from a legend that no one remembers
or was even sure it was real to being with
and further along
is the gate
to the original garden
that is no more
but it's still guarded
by the record-keeper
a jester with no name
and two faces
the gate leads to no where
and everywhere
because inside
lives the truth
perfect truth
and perfect time
even if time has no meaning
it's still there.
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10:54 pm
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I'm really tired for some reason. I want to curl up on my bed and sleep forever. Not forever as in time, forever as in eternity. As in the universe, as in the stuff that stars are made of, and as in the stuff between them. I want to sleep there, for eternity.
As soon as I got home from Ani & Blue's, I lay down, curled up. Not unhappy, in fact, I was very happy to spend time with them. Just drifting. Just tired. I then reached over and took the compact I never use off the dresser and opened it and just stared.
I came to a conclusion.
The walls are made of glass, decorated with the shards of the broken mirror.
You can't see through the mirror unless you can first look at yourself. You have to look at the reflection to even begin to see the truth.
Look past to see what mortal eyes cannot comprehend.
But how do you even begin to look past physical restraints when the mind is clouded?
How can you even begin to find a path when your one light is failing?
How can I find what I'm searching for, if I'm not always sure what's real?
On a more superficiel note, I forgot pretty ani-shirt at Ani's. That makes me sad because I wanted to wear it. Maybe if I harass her she'll bring it for me :) Which reminds me, I need to know if she has a black tank top to wear under the black shirt she wants to borrow. If she doesn't, she can borrow mine.
*yawns*
This is strange. I was fine half an hour ago and now I'm absolutely exhausted. I would sleep but my head hurts too much for me to get any rest.
In the end, all that is stopping you is the reflection. In the end, all that is stopping you is yourself.
current mood:  tired
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12:20 pm
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In the room, she's crying.
Can't you hear her pain?
Silent sobs echo in the earth. I reach out my hand in some hope to console her. And it's never enough.
She's laying broken. They pushed the doll off the shelf.
There is no doll. There's only a ghost.
Ghost of what, no one's sure.
It's nice to have your special spot in your mind. You can take it anywhere. But what if your mind is the problem?
And who are you to judge if it's a problem or not?
You won't venture there.
Are you scared?
Of course. Are you?
Everyone's afraid. It isn't any easier for you, nor any harder.
current mood: anxious
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| Thursday, December 26th, 2002
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1:59 pm
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Ever been completely consumed by inspiration?
What does it feel like? What causes it?
Why is it so hard to talk to people?
I never believed in anything like I believed in this woman that only I can see...
Watashi no Riki.
I'm scared I'll lose it. Whatever soul I have. Sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth. Sometimes it's too hard to hold on to fleeting images and thoughts. Sometimes it hurts too much to sit there and talk about it and to look up to see people staring at you. Tears stinging in your eyes.
I'm only trying to show you who I am. Why is that so wrong?
I'm trying so hard to find the key. To my insanity. Or maybe it's not really insanity.
AimChat
Me: There are certain songs, bars of music, images, even small phrases that trigger a second heartbeat (that's what I call those inspired times because it feels like she's in me, a seocnd being, second heartbeat)
Her: that is so beautiful
Me: have you ever been consumed by inspiration?
Her: yes.
Me: what does it feel like for you?
what causes it?
Her: it's like....this...dark power...adreniline. almost tear-enducing beauty. the kind that makes you tremble even thinking about it.
Her: certian songs...or scenes cause it
Me: That's amazing...
My inspiration has always been...? It can't be called anything other than a second heartbeat....as if I've become someone else..Someone else who can look around and see a world beyond mortal eyes. Someone who loves unconditionally, my mind and heart are open and my entire body can feel the second pulse in me. Because I know Riki and I have truly become one. I don't know what to call her....*Sighs* Nothing even comes close....Angel, Demon, Muse....
Goddess....
Yes. We've established that I'm insane. Thank you.
current mood: apathetic
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10:21 am
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Sitting in the hallway, looking up at the mirror. The reflection looks back. Two large tears roll down her cheeks. I frown.
The reflection is crying.
Stop it.
I reach up to my own cheeks and feel something wet. I pull my hand away to look. I'm crying. It looks almost red.
It's the mirror's fault. All the mirror's fault.
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